On Planning A Wedding Without My Mum

Planning this wedding has been hard for me. 

My biggest wish is that my mum could’ve been here with me.  She passed away when I was four and I wish that I had been able to get to know her.  I know she would want me to be happy.  And I am beyond happy.  I can’t believe that I found someone as good, as kind, as loving as PJ and I feel blessed beyond words that he feels the same about me.  But I feel like it’s a separate issue with her wanting me to be happy and me having to plan a wedding without her.  I read a book by Cheryl Strayed where she said that, with losing her mother young, there isn’t one good thing that has happened to her that she hasn’t experienced through the lens of her grief.  And that’s a bit how I feel with the whole wedding. 

I am so, so, so happy I get to marry PJ. 

And I am so sad that mum isn’t here to see me do it. 

I have been blessed by the presence of some pretty amazing women in my life.  They have been my rocks.  They have taught me things that I wish my mum was around to have taught me.  My two aunts in particular have been particularly helpful in this.  I can call either of them, at any time, and they will drop everything if I need them to.  They have been particularly helpful as I attempt to navigate having a wedding without my mum.

My Aunty Marilyn in Seattle feels like what my mum would have been like if I had been able to get to know her.  I don't really have the words to describe how I feel when I visit her but it almost feels like going home.  I love to hear the stories she tells me about my mum - I feel like it gives me some insight into who my mum was.  We go shopping at Nordstrom - something she used to do with my mum - and it makes me happy to carry on this tradition.  In some weird way, I feel like it makes me closer to my mum.  She is always a sounding board for me when I need to talk about something.  She sends me cards if she's worried about me.  She is so thoughtful and has taught me so much along the way. 

My Aunty Donna lives a lot closer to me.  She promised my mum that she would always look out for me and she has.  She made sure to spend one night a week with me while I was growing up.  But it didn't end there.  She would talk on the phone with me for hours.  She would take me to the bookstore whenever I wanted.  I know I can always count on her.  We fight but she feels like the closest thing to a mother that I've ever had.  She is one of the silliest people that I know but it's all part of her charm - her (mis)adventures have provided lots of laughs for me over the years.  She is spending the night before the wedding with me.  She knows how hard it has been for me to plan this wedding without my mum.  She listens to me when I tell her this and tells me that it's my cross to bear - not flippantly but in a way that tells me that she shares my grief.  It was her suggestion that we spend time the day before the wedding and go visit my mum's grave.  She is the person that I can get angry and frustrated at but I know she will always, always have my back.

Marrying PJ means that I have some new amazing women that I get to call my family.  My mother-in-law-to-be, Judy, always supports me.  In a way that makes me feel that I am her other daughter.  If I am stressed, she tells me to take a deep breath (it seems so obvious but sometimes stress makes me forget this!).  If I am upset, she listens to me and dispenses some sage advice.  In the short time that I have known her, I feel like she has given me some pretty invaluable advice.  I'm sure I probably do some things that annoy her from time-to-time but I never feel like it is put on my 'permanent record' or takes away from how she feels about me.  That's a pretty awesome quality that mums have.  PJ was pretty lucky to get her as a mum and I'm pretty lucky that I get her as part of that deal!

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I wrote the above prior to our wedding.  I didn't know if I would actually hit the publish button.  I don't often like sharing how I feel about losing my mum.  But writing is therapy.  And I want this blog to chronicle my life so I have something to look back on.  So 'publish' it is.

When I told my dad about the sadness I had planning a wedding without my mum, he told me that she wouldn't have wanted me to feel like that.  So I tried not to think about it too much.  I wanted to say something about her in our wedding speech.  But I knew that would be heart-wrenching for me and I didn't want to have that on a day where I wanted to be happy.  PJ mentioned her in his speech.  My brother spoke and said she would have been so proud of me and, as his voice cracked, I didn't know if I would be able to keep my tears in.

I read something once where a friend said about his mum who also died too young that '[her] memory is my inspiration' and I apply that to my mum.  It turns something pretty sad into something positive (in as much as that can be positive).  Sometimes I can apply it in big ways - I often think 'would my mum be proud of how I am behaving?' and if the answer is no, I probably shouldn't be doing it.  Other times I apply it in small ways - on difficult runs I think a couple things: 'I bet my mum would give anything to be alive and doing this (even though I'm pretty sure she'd hate running)' or 'I need to be strong and healthy'.

My mum was with me every step of the way.  Always (but in particular our wedding day).  Aunty Donna and I did go visit her grave the day before the wedding.  PJ and I used the diamonds from her wedding band to make up my wedding band.  I carried her cameo brooch pinned on my bouquet.  I know my mum would be proud of me (always but in particular on our wedding day).  

I miss her a lot.